So I'm exhausted...like ALL the time. and for no reason. It's a tired I can't explain, its like what I imagine a soldier feels like when he comes home from war. Tired. He wants to do all the things he thought about doing when he got home from the long battle but, when he gets home, he feels...tired. He want to go and rest, not only his body but his mind. He's seen and experienced things that the average human couldn't even begin to imagine. I've been called a soldier. It's not exactly as great as you'd imagine. When you're called a soldier it usually means you've went through something, something that is bad enough to mark you as a soldier. Personally I haven't heard any nickname that I've liked, excluding fighter, only because its so accurate. anyone experiencing cancer can be called a fighter because when going through chemo you are essentially fighting for you're life. I am not at all comparing myself to a soldier, I am only trying to find a form of exhaustion similar to my own to try to explain how I feel. I am experiencing different sorts of emotions about the most recent diagnosis. one of those emotions is exhaustion, yes that is an emotion. Another is loss. The loss of a choice I might never get to make. The choice to have my own children. Gain,, I've gained strength, strength in knowing and learning that I and my family and my doctors have no control. lol. I laugh because I like to find humor in situations such as these. God has a great sense of humor... I think I also have a great sense of humor. I laughed a lot during chemo. I had tons of chemo jokes, I would tell one now but, I cant remember because of chemo brain. Yes, chemo brain is real and no that wasn't a joke... even though I did laugh while typing it. I think people take things too seriously, I think people stress out about a lot of things that they shouldn't be stressing out about...but that being said, it all goes back to God. He is in control. No one, absolutely no body, is in control. Except Him. I have to remind myself of that constantly. I've tried not to cry about things I have no control over but I do feel it catch up to me at times. I know that I have a chance to still have my own children. I can always adopt. It doesn't matter, I was praying God would bless me with a miracle and I would be okay again, but I realized that that's the opposite of what I should be doing. I should pray to accept Gods will and plan that He wants what is best for me whether I have my own children or not because all children are Gods children and they are simply entrusted to us for a short time before we all are in heaven again. Sometimes things don't go the way we planned they'd go, but that is the beauty of heaven. As long as we believe in Jesus then we are insured a place in his kingdom. So with that said I don't think anyone should pray that I'll have children, if anyone wants to pray then they can pray that I carry out His plans for me with grace and accept whatever they may be.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Recent News...
Sept.12.17
Just So You Know: In this post I will be talking about Ovarian issues and things of that nature.
This morning I went to the Endocrinologist to discuss going off of birth control which I have been taking since January. We had talked about it at the previous appointment and my doctor said she felt it would be best to wait till this appointment because of all the estrogen I did not receive before and during chemo. Let me go back and explain what I'm talking about, in 2015 my menstrual cycles were becoming very irregular and I would go 3 or 4 months before the next one would start. In December of 2015 was my last menstrual cycle before my diagnoses and I didn't have another until around February of 2017. Yup I went for over a year without my body producing any estrogen. See your body needs estrogen to be healthy and to keep your bones strong. If you aren't producing any estrogen then well... that's bad. Now usually you shouldn't be experiencing these issues at my age, these are usually symptoms women that are starting to go through menopause experience, which leaves us with the question, "why am I experiencing this?" Well, when this happens at 15 that is when it is called Premature Ovarian Failure. Sounds kinda bad doesn't it? Yea that's because it is. It means your body cant produce estrogen anymore and your ovaries are basically retiring, and that also means you don't produce eggs...and if you aren't producing eggs then you wont be "producing" anything. My doctor said that when it comes to my future and having babies that I probably won't be able to have any that are genetically mine, so I can carry a baby but it will be another woman's egg. They are doing some blood tests to see what my estrogen levels currently are and if they are where they should be with birth control, then I can go off of it for a few months and see what my body does on its own. Before I started birth control I was experiencing hot flashes and insomnia which are symptoms of POF and the birth control helps relieve those symptoms. So if I get the all clear then I will stop taking the pill and go for 4 months and see what happens. If I start to experience any symptoms before the 4 months are up then I will have to tell my doctor and go back on birth control. I will have to continue hormone therapy until the natural age of menopause if my body continues to not produce estrogen on its own. Sorry if this post is kind of confusing, I was in a rush:)
This morning I went to the Endocrinologist to discuss going off of birth control which I have been taking since January. We had talked about it at the previous appointment and my doctor said she felt it would be best to wait till this appointment because of all the estrogen I did not receive before and during chemo. Let me go back and explain what I'm talking about, in 2015 my menstrual cycles were becoming very irregular and I would go 3 or 4 months before the next one would start. In December of 2015 was my last menstrual cycle before my diagnoses and I didn't have another until around February of 2017. Yup I went for over a year without my body producing any estrogen. See your body needs estrogen to be healthy and to keep your bones strong. If you aren't producing any estrogen then well... that's bad. Now usually you shouldn't be experiencing these issues at my age, these are usually symptoms women that are starting to go through menopause experience, which leaves us with the question, "why am I experiencing this?" Well, when this happens at 15 that is when it is called Premature Ovarian Failure. Sounds kinda bad doesn't it? Yea that's because it is. It means your body cant produce estrogen anymore and your ovaries are basically retiring, and that also means you don't produce eggs...and if you aren't producing eggs then you wont be "producing" anything. My doctor said that when it comes to my future and having babies that I probably won't be able to have any that are genetically mine, so I can carry a baby but it will be another woman's egg. They are doing some blood tests to see what my estrogen levels currently are and if they are where they should be with birth control, then I can go off of it for a few months and see what my body does on its own. Before I started birth control I was experiencing hot flashes and insomnia which are symptoms of POF and the birth control helps relieve those symptoms. So if I get the all clear then I will stop taking the pill and go for 4 months and see what happens. If I start to experience any symptoms before the 4 months are up then I will have to tell my doctor and go back on birth control. I will have to continue hormone therapy until the natural age of menopause if my body continues to not produce estrogen on its own. Sorry if this post is kind of confusing, I was in a rush:)
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