So I'm exhausted...like ALL the time. and for no reason. It's a tired I can't explain, its like what I imagine a soldier feels like when he comes home from war. Tired. He wants to do all the things he thought about doing when he got home from the long battle but, when he gets home, he feels...tired. He want to go and rest, not only his body but his mind. He's seen and experienced things that the average human couldn't even begin to imagine. I've been called a soldier. It's not exactly as great as you'd imagine. When you're called a soldier it usually means you've went through something, something that is bad enough to mark you as a soldier. Personally I haven't heard any nickname that I've liked, excluding fighter, only because its so accurate. anyone experiencing cancer can be called a fighter because when going through chemo you are essentially fighting for you're life. I am not at all comparing myself to a soldier, I am only trying to find a form of exhaustion similar to my own to try to explain how I feel. I am experiencing different sorts of emotions about the most recent diagnosis. one of those emotions is exhaustion, yes that is an emotion. Another is loss. The loss of a choice I might never get to make. The choice to have my own children. Gain,, I've gained strength, strength in knowing and learning that I and my family and my doctors have no control. lol. I laugh because I like to find humor in situations such as these. God has a great sense of humor... I think I also have a great sense of humor. I laughed a lot during chemo. I had tons of chemo jokes, I would tell one now but, I cant remember because of chemo brain. Yes, chemo brain is real and no that wasn't a joke... even though I did laugh while typing it. I think people take things too seriously, I think people stress out about a lot of things that they shouldn't be stressing out about...but that being said, it all goes back to God. He is in control. No one, absolutely no body, is in control. Except Him. I have to remind myself of that constantly. I've tried not to cry about things I have no control over but I do feel it catch up to me at times. I know that I have a chance to still have my own children. I can always adopt. It doesn't matter, I was praying God would bless me with a miracle and I would be okay again, but I realized that that's the opposite of what I should be doing. I should pray to accept Gods will and plan that He wants what is best for me whether I have my own children or not because all children are Gods children and they are simply entrusted to us for a short time before we all are in heaven again. Sometimes things don't go the way we planned they'd go, but that is the beauty of heaven. As long as we believe in Jesus then we are insured a place in his kingdom. So with that said I don't think anyone should pray that I'll have children, if anyone wants to pray then they can pray that I carry out His plans for me with grace and accept whatever they may be.
This is so touching...no words...
ReplyDeleteI love reading your words. Keep them coming!
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ReplyDeletei don't know if this will help AT ALL. but i recently read it, and it has resonated with me in many ways. maybe i'm making too much of it. maybe not. so i was reading about Joe Walsh, because i really like Joe Walsh's music. he was very heavily into drugs during his heyday. (not the same circumstances, i know!). anyway, eventually, with a big push from his friends in the band The Eagles, he went to rehab and stopped using drugs. okay so i'm still getting to the part i like. so in an interview, he said that after he came out of rehab, he didn't play music AT ALL for a long time. we are talking about a hugely talented musician. but, he said, he needed to process it all and get used to this new life, and so for a long time he didn't even try.
ReplyDeletefor some reason, this just blew me away. and i thought, "how smart." (and also, how fortunate for him that he could afford to do that). what this has meant to me is that it seems like we push ourselves ONWARD sometimes - especially through the hardest times, when we just need to let the dust settle. we just don't allow ourselves to process, and relearn, and just be. i think there's definitely a mindset out there that we must press on, head down, plow through. and while i DO subscribe to this, lately i have been thinking, "why didn't i just allow myself the luxury of time a little more?"
so, maybe this is just ramblings of an old woman. but you have every reason to be exhausted and every reason to just be for a while and regain your strength. it will come back. you will gain strength and perspective - you are just that kind of person. you just have to cut yourself a little slack.